My Evil Limb

COURAGE
cour⋅age  [kur-ij, kuhr-]
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.

The last few days have really started to test my mettle. They have been long, difficult, painful, and sometimes intolerable. Now that I am completely off of my pain medication and starting to exercise harder and longer the knee has started to tell me how much it hates me. Sometimes it is just a small side note, telling me that it is a little uncomfortable. Other times it seems as if my knee is no longer a part of me but another being that YELLS and challenges me to stop doing the things that irritate it. There are points in the day that the pain is minimal but they seem greatly outweighed by the times when I am in excruciating pain trying to push through one last set or one last stretch. I am sure I have now hit the point in the recovery that is not only one of the most painful but mentally the toughest. I have to look down at this thing, that in no way resembles my old leg, and tell it to do things that it has no recollection of ever being able to do. I am trying to teach my knee simple things and it just wants nothing to do with it, it just wants to rest. I want to do everything, I want to get stronger, I want to work through this pain, but it is as if I am now two people. One part, Ryan, who wants improvement and is doing everything possible to make that happen. And another part, my knee, who hates Ryan and does not want anything to change, just wants to remain weak and limp, and wants to see how much it can screw with Ryan. It is a frustrating time which is really starting to test me.

I am going back to my surgeon tomorrow for another check and to get another round of injections, which I have been looking forward to this entire week. After the meeting with Burks I will head down the hallway to meet with my physical therapists and examine how well my trainers and I have been doing our jobs. It feels as if I have made a pretty large improvement in my quad control so I am anxious to show the rewards of my hard work to the therapists.

for now until then,

Ryan